The Truth About My Shame

I don't know enough. I have to sign up for another certification.

I don't have the right degree. Goddamnit. I need to get a doctorate. 

I'm still tired. That's so embarrassing. I should feel better.

I'm still overweight. I'm not trim like her, and we eat the same. What's wrong with me?

I have to cancel on my patients. Again. What are they going to think?

It's a cycle of shaming self-talk. It sneaks up on me.

It used to happen constantly, but since the shame and the ensuing defensive mechanisms got to the point where they threatened my marriage and my health (to the point where I had another cancer scare), I got serious about dealing with it.

It wasn't easy. It still isn't. 

I have to practice mindfulness constantly. I have to build my self-worth, not on what I do and where I live and what certifications I have, but on me. Who I am. What I am.

I have to zoom out to cosmic perspective.

If I let my mind run rampant...well...it gets ugly.

Ugly looks like avoidance with a dash of puffing up.

It involves overeating, angry outbursts at my most cherished loved ones, and literally crawling under the bed to cry.

It involves a hard lump of anger - no - rage, that sits on my chest and makes it hard to swallow.

On occasion, for flair, my body throws in a panic attack or two.

Then the guilt starts to ooze onto me, like that green Nickelodeon slime. It's hard to wash off, no matter how many showers I take. How dare I be so self-indulgent?

So, I meditate as best I can, most days. Just 10 mins. Sometimes it sucks. Sometimes, my heart blooms open like a shy rose, soaking up the morning rays of the sun.

Those times keep me going.

But still, I struggle with taking things personally. With taking failure as yet another sign that I'm just a worthless piece of shit that shouldn't have been born.

After thousands of Neuro Emotional Technique sessions on patients...I realize a lot of us feel that way, somewhere deep inside.

But.

But.

I keep going. Trying to be good people. To live as best I can, with what I was given, which is so much.

My antidote to the shame is gratitude.

I don't know what I would do, and who I would be without the teachings of my patients. They are my gurus. I'm scared to think of how I would have turned out without them. Hard. Closed off. Selfish. At least, that's what I believe.

So thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Bowing deeply,

 

 

PS: If this is helpful to you at all, please drop me a line below and let me know. And if you're ready to share, how do you cope with your shame?